(upbeat music) - Alistair McLeod.

So I feel it's time for me to move up to a paper with more resources and a wider readership.

Thank you.

- And the bulk of your experience is on the "Lochdubh And District Listener."

- Yes.

Obviously, this would be a challenge.

But it's a challenge I think I'm ready for.

- Lochdubh?

Wasn't there a big climbing accident up there last year?

- Yes.

Don Maxwell.

I guessed there was a potential story there.

I went up on that trip.

- Really?

Good.

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry, I don't remember your piece.

- Er, no, I couldn't take full advantage of that story.

- Why not?

- Well, there were reputations at stake, and, you know, personal reasons.

- Would you say scruples were an asset in this business, Miss Sutherland?

There are some who would argue reputations were there to be ruined.

- I do know my job.

- I'm sure you do.

But I suggest you come and see me next year.

Get one or two really meaty stories under your belt.

- Thank you.

(gentle music) (Isobel sighs) (upbeat music) ♪ Some boys take a beautiful girl ♪ ♪ And hide her away from the rest of the world ♪ ♪ I want to be the one to walk in the sun ♪ ♪ And girls, they wanna have fun ♪ ♪ Whoa, girls just wanna have ♪ ♪ That's all they really want ♪ ♪ Some fun ♪ ♪ When the working day is done ♪ ♪ Oh, girls, they wanna have fun ♪ ♪ Whoa, girls just wanna have fun ♪ ♪ Girls, they wanna ♪ ♪ Wanna have fun, girls ♪ ♪ Wanna have ♪ ♪ Just wanna, they just wanna ♪ ♪ Girls, girls just wanna have fun ♪ ♪ When the working day is done ♪ ♪ Oh, girls just wanna have fun ♪ - Papa.

- Nicole.

- He just came at me, Hamish.

I had no choice.

- I'm sure it wasn't your fault.

It's okay.

Did you see what it was?

- Well, it was black.

- No, no, no, the make.

The make.

- No idea.

- Everything's under control, Hamish.

We'll have this all sorted in a jiffy, boy.

(coughs) - Look at her.

She was on her way out, Hamish, but this, this is no way for her to go.

- Well, I'm sure we can get her patched up for you, Neil.

- No.

No, it's all over.

I know it and she knows it.

I love this bus.

I've never told anybody that.

Do you think I'm daft, Hamish?

- No.

No, I don't think you're daft.

(engine ticking) (engine explodes) - Er, I think this might take us a little bit longer than we first thought, Hamish.

(chuckles) - Is that Isobel?

It is Isobel.

- Hamish, Lachlan, Lachie.

- [Lachie] Nice car, Isobel.

- Thanks.

What happened to the bus?

- Er, some maniac forced Neil off the road.

- Is he all right?

- A bit of shock, but I'm sure he'll be fine.

- [Isobel] Oh, good.

- Nothing a cup of tea'll no' sort out.

- Thank heavens for tea, eh?

- Aye.

- Did you see her?

Isobel looked amazing.

- You keep your mind on your work, boy.

- Don't you think she looked amazing, Hamish?

- Aye.

- [Lachie] Just like Demi Moore in that film.

- Now, Lachie Jr. - What was the name of that film?

- What film?

- The one where the guy paid her a million dollars to spend the night with him.

(cat meows) - Hello.

Hello, darling.

How are you, hm?

Are you hungry?

- (exhales sharply) Testing.

Testing.

Right, this is your DJ.

LJ, your DJ.

Right, this is where we get groovin', here in downtown Lochdubh.

(upbeat dance music) - I'm not at all sure about this, Lachlan.

- The boy's got to work a few things out of his system, eh?

- So long as he doesn't work the punters out of my pub.

- That's one pound, 97, please.

- Oh, thank you, Barney.

Now, you owe me two pounds for this week's lottery tickets for yourself and Agnes.

- All right, call it quits.

- All right, right, quits it is, then.

So if you'll just give me the 3p, I'll write it down in my wee bookie here.

(bell dings) - 3p.

- Thank you.

- Hi.

- Good evening, Esme.

- Rory.

- Good evening.

- Well, well, well, "The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things," like, uh, the two pounds you owe me for this week's lottery tickets.

I've been over to Cnothan this morning buying them.

- Ah, I've been meaning to have a word with you, Lachlan.

About this syndicate, I'm not certain I want to continue with my membership.

- I'm afraid it's a bit late for that, Rory.

Ah, you see, it's all set.

The numbers are chosen.

See, I would have to completely rework my whole system to accommodate one less player, you understand.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The die is cast, I'm afraid.

- Aye, but it's months since we started, and our biggest win has been 10 pounds.

- This is for both of us.

- Thank you, Esme.

Always a pleasure.

- His system!

It's a lot of mumbo jumbo, that's what it is.

- Think what we could do if we win.

- Down, down, get on down.

- Chance would be a fine thing.

The only thing more unlikely is Lachie Jr there becoming a successful disc jockey.

- The boy's trying.

Remember how you started up, Rory?

- Two shelves and a couple of tins from that wholesaler's over in Inverness.

- And now look at you.

- I'm doing well, aren't I?

- You bad, bad.

You bad.

(birds squawking) (upbeat music) - What would you do, Hamish, if we won?

- The lottery?

Well, I'm no' holding my breath.

- Oh, come on.

Must have crossed your mind.

Must be something you want.

(balls clink) Big house?

New car?

- Well, a boat.

I always fancied a boat.

You can just jump in it and escape to some deserted island.

- We could go back to our island.

I'd like that.

- Aye.

(birds squawking) (Jock whimpers) (Jock barks) - Jock.

(Hamish clicks fingers) (Jock barks) All right, John, I'm going to check on this bus.

- Hey, Hamish, what would you do if we won the lottery?

- Er, book a trip to Mars.

- No, seriously.

- [Hamish] I am being serious.

I'd book a trip to Mars or anywhere where there's nae lottery.

I'm fed up hearing about it.

- Well, I think it's about time you started listening.

- (scoffs) 'Cause the syndicate's gonna win?

I don't think so.

- No, but I think we are.

It's in the tea leaves.

- [Hamish] Oh, I don't believe this.

You know, there's not a conversation in this village about anything else.

- Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

- [Hamish] I'll tell you what, John.

- What?

- See, if I win... Actually, even if I don't win, you know what I'm gonna buy you?

- What?

- A tea strainer.

Oh, come on, John, don't go in a huff.

(sighs) Right, tell me, then.

What would you buy if you won?

- A house.

I'd buy a house.

Now that I'm spending less time at the station, the caravan seems a bit small.

- Aye.

Erm, see you later, then, eh?

- No, you won't, actually.

- (sighs) Why not?

- Well, it's your special anniversary dinner tonight.

- Aye, so it is.

I'll see you tomorrow, eh?

(gear shifter clicks) (ominous music) (camera shutter clicks) (engine revs) (tires screech) (glass shatters) (steam hisses) (camera shutter clicking) - I don't believe it!

- You okay, boss?

(man shouting in foreign language) (men shouting indistinctly) (camera shutter clicks) (upbeat dramatic music) (engine revs) - [Isobel] Get out of my way.

- Have a nice weekend.

Okay, then.

Cheers.

Look after yourself.

How's yourself then, Isobel?

- Fine, thanks, Gloria.

Listen, any chance of getting Eddie to develop these for me?

(bell dings) - Is it not working, the darkroom at the Listener?

- Yeah, it is, but we've no developer.

And I was on my way to the Cnothan Hotel so I, I thought I'd come here.

- The hotel?

- [Isobel] Yeah.

I'm joining the gym.

- The gym?

- Yeah.

And I'd quite like these in a rush.

- Right.

First thing Monday be all right?

- No, I was hoping sometime today.

- Today?

No.

(chuckles) No, that would be extra.

- Fine.

- Very well.

- Will I come back in an hour?

- An hour?

Can you not make it two?

(Isobel sighs) (upbeat music) - [Gary] You all right there?

- Yes, thanks.

- Can I just suggest you bring your feet up on the bench to get more back support.

- Okay, thanks.

- That's better.

You won't hurt yourself then.

- Sorry.

- No, it's me should be sorry.

- (chuckles) I suppose it is.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I'll survive.

- Eh, listen, would you fancy going for a drink?

- Oh, no.

Erm.

No, I've got time.

Yeah, why not?

Thanks.

(chuckles) - There's nothing he can do, Hamish.

She was on her last legs anyway.

He's giving me a report saying she was in good nick before the accident.

Then there'll be some insurance to collect.

- How much do you think they'll pay?

- Oh, about 300.

- So do you live around here then?

- No.

Do you want to sit there?

- Yeah.

- Er, no.

Not in Cnothan.

Lochdubh.

It's not far.

- So what do you do, then?

- Journalism.

- Really?

I used to be in journalism.

- Oh, did you?

- Mm, I'm in PR now, but I started out in journalism.

- Oh, it may be an exaggeration to call the "Lochdubh And District Listener" journalism.

- Oh, it can't be any worse than the paper I started on.

It was a nightmare.

You know, weddings, cake competitions.

- I do cattle auctions.

- (chuckles) I even had to make up the horoscope.

(Isobel laughs) The things we do for love, eh?

- Mm.

Yeah.

I'm beginning to think love is not a good enough reason to stay.

I'm thinking of leaving.

(engine rumbling) (brakes squeak) I went for an interview today, on a proper paper.

- Did you get it?

- No, they said I had too many scruples.

- Have you?

- Probably.

- Unfortunately, the more scruples you have, the less you earn.

It's a simple equation.

Once again, I'm, I'm sorry I crashed into you earlier.

- It's okay.

Don't worry.

(chuckles) - I don't suppose there's any chance of crashing into you again, is there?

- Erm, are you staying here?

- For a few days, yeah.

- Something's come up, and I don't know how busy I'll be.

- I don't have much on tomorrow.

- [Isobel] Okay.

- Will you ring me?

- Yeah, I might.

Thanks for the drink.

- Yeah.

Bye.

- Bye.

(horn honks) (tires screech) (gentle classical music) (door clicks) - [Alex] Darling.

- Hello, Alex.

Er, the door was open.

I suppose Hamish isn't in.

- No.

Sorry, Isobel.

Can I take a message?

- No, it's something I need to speak to him about.

Will he be back later?

- Well, I'm cooking dinner, so.

- Alex, it is quite important.

- Is it a police matter?

- No, it's not, but I still need to speak to Hamish.

- Why not leave a message?

- Well, it's a favor, you know?

- Look, Isobel, please don't take this the wrong way, but this is my home.

- Yeah, and it used to be the police station.

- Isobel.

- Hamish, I'm only here.

I'm just asking- - Hamish, Isobel wants to ask you a favor.

But I was hoping it could wait until tomorrow seeing as we're nearly ready to eat.

- Er.

- Forget it.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Oh, God.

(sighs) (Isobel clears throat) Er, can I speak to Gary Ross, please?

Oh.

Erm, in that case can I leave him a message?

(upbeat music) (knuckles rapping on door) - You rang, my lady.

- So what do you think?

- Where did this happen?

- Up on the Glenraddich Road.

It's a couple of miles north.

- Who are these two fighting?

- I've no idea.

But when they saw me, they came after me.

- Have you been to the police?

- No.

No, I want to find out what's happening first.

- Find the story, eh?

- Yeah.

Then I'll take it to the police.

Besides, our constable here, he is his own man.

- So what's the plan, then?

- Well, there's a registration number on that car, see?

I want to try and trace it.

- Let me make a few calls.

- Could you?

- Mm, I've still got some journalist friends.

They've all got police contacts.

- Erm, I'll give you the number.

(knuckles rapping on door) Oh.

- Hi, Isobel.

- Hiya.

- Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday.

- No, don't apologize, Hamish.

We all know where we stand.

- Er, what was it you wanted?

- Oh, it was nothing.

- Am I disturbing you?

- No, not really.

Gary?

- Hello.

- This is PC Macbeth.

Gary Ross.

- Pleased to meet you.

- How you doing?

- Gary's helping me with a story.

- Sutherland and Ross, eh?

- Hm, very funny.

- Well, I'll be off, then.

- Yeah, bye.

(laughs) You didn't have to hide.

- I didn't want to damage your reputation.

- Oh, well, it's time a few reputations were damaged.

- You're not quite over him yet, are you?

- No, I am.

- Listen, erm, why don't you give me a couple of hours and maybe I could take you for lunch?

- You get the number, and I'll supply the lunch.

- Okay.

I'll meet you, what, at the pub, 12:30?

- Okay.

- Okay.

(ominous music) Problem, Officer?

- Well, I hope not.

Mind if I give you a bit of advice?

- [Gary] I think you're gonna anyway.

- [Hamish] You see, Isobel, a bit mixed up just now.

- Really?

She seemed pretty on the ball to me.

- There you are, Alex.

Bye, now.

- Morning, Barney.

- Alex.

How did your dinner go last night?

- It was fine, thank you.

Nice.

- Good.

(bright cheerful music) - Morning, ladies.

Had you not heard the bus is out of order?

- No, we hadn't.

Oh, thank you, Hamish.

We just want our lottery tickets.

- Isn't he a lovely boy?

- Oh, he's a lovely boy!

- [Hamish] Hamish's taxi service.

- Hi, Esme.

- Oh, Alex, how did it go?

- Oh, fine, thank you.

- Did you have a good evening?

- Hello, Alex.

- Lachie, if you're gonna ask me how last night went- - No.

No.

- Oh, good.

- No, a romantic dinner between two people is a private thing, and it's not for the village to be gossiping about it.

Well, that's what we agreed.

- Lachie, this is a very close-knit village, isn't it?

- It is, uh-huh.

- And do you think I fit in here?

- You're the major's daughter.

- That's what I mean.

Do you think I belong in the big house?

- Of course you do, Alex.

- Can I have an orange juice, please, Barney?

- Certainly can.

- Ah, Isobel.

Eh, I notice now we haven't had the pleasure of your company in the lottery syndicate.

- No, I'm for making my own luck at the moment, Lachlan.

- Well, maybe next week, eh?

- Barney.

- Hmm?

- You know about cars, don't you?

- Yeah.

- Do you know what make this is?

- Ooh, some sort of prototype.

That's not on the market yet.

Could be anything.

See, they take the grill off and change the badge so you can't identify the make.

Where'd you get this?

- I can't really say just now.

- Oh, yeah?

You could sell that, you know.

To magazines.

There you are.

Spy shot.

- Could I borrow this?

- Yeah, sure.

I'd like it back.

- [Hamish] All right, Barney?

- Hamish.

- Hi, Isobel.

- Hi.

- Er, can I have a word?

I've, uh, (clears throat) been making a few inquiries about your Mr Ross.

- He's not my Mr Ross.

- Well, it seems he's got a criminal record.

- What for?

- Possession of cannabis, 1986.

- (giggles) What, and they've released him already?

(Hamish sighs) Oh, come on, Hamish.

- Come on, you know what I mean.

He's a smug, smarmy... You know what I'm saying.

- No, I don't.

He treats me with respect, takes me seriously.

(door clicks) And I'm sorry but I like that.

(Hamish sighs) - Any luck?

- Oh, the car.

It is rented.

They're still trying to find out who rented it, but it'll take time.

Do I still get lunch?

- Half a lunch.

Come on.

- Hamish.

Hamish, just a minute, dear.

Now, listen.

If you don't mind... (mysterious music) - Can I help you?

- Ah, this is really beautiful.

- Mm.

Yeah, it's pretty.

- You know, if you got a job, the kind of job that you're after, you'd have to kiss all this goodbye.

- It gets claustrophobic, to be honest.

- What, with all this space?

- Mm.

With all this space.

- Do you know there are more people living where I am in the borough of Camden than the whole of the Highlands.

- I'd like that.

Anonymity.

- Ah, you're just saying that.

You just need to be appreciated.

- True.

The Isobel Sutherland fan club has a very limited membership.

- Can I join?

- Yeah.

- Can I be president?

- Shut up.

(Isobel giggles) - [Woman] Hamish.

(women laugh) - See you later.

- See you.

- Okay.

- Well, you know what they say.

- What do they say?

- Fast man, fast car.

(giggles) - He's helping me with a story, Flora.

- Aye.

Well, I hope you'll warn me in advance the next time the engineers are coming.

(mysterious music) - What engineers?

- To service the enlarger.

And me worked fairly off my feet.

(upbeat acoustic music) - [Woman] Hamish?

Hamish!

There we are, Hamish.

- Ah, there they are, eh?

- How do I look?

- [Hamish] You look fantastic.

- Oh, thanks very much.

- Easy peasy, Raymond's alive and well.

- Oh, hee, hee, there we go.

- You're looking great.

- Er, 10, 16, 27.

And one and three, 13.

- Did you get any further with the registration?

- Still no luck, I'm afraid.

You can get a friendly policeman to run a number check for ya, but getting them to ring a rental company's a bit harder.

- Yeah.

Something else happened today.

- What?

- While we were having lunch, some men turned up at the Listener, and they pretended to be service engineers for the darkroom.

- Are they looking for your film?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Did they get it?

- No.

- Is it somewhere safe?

- Yeah.

- I've got a bad feeling about that one.

- Aye.

Are you going to arrest him?

- Well, it's good, John, but unfortunately, I can't arrest him on the strength of your bad feeling.

Pint.

- Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to put your hands together for Mr. Rory Campbell.

(crowd applauds) (gentle music) - Oh, dear.

- (chuckles) What?

- Karaoke.

Do you want a go?

- Only if you want to.

Might be fun.

- No.

Let's go.

♪ Unforgettable ♪ ♪ That's what you are ♪ ♪ Unforgettable ♪ ♪ Though near or far ♪ ♪ Like a song of love ♪ ♪ That clings to me ♪ ♪ How the thought of you does things to me ♪ (glasses clink) - Cheers.

- Cheers.

- So.

- So.

- Are you gonna kiss me?

- [Host] Release those balls!

- [Man] About to be struck by lightning, mate.

- [Man] Any minute, any minute.

- [Host] Away we go, this week's lottery draw five at 12 minutes past eight.

- Stop it.

- [Host] The first ball to be drawn tonight is number three.

- Three.

- Number three.

- Two, three.

We've got two.

- [Host] Next out.

(dramatic music) Number 14.

Only been drawn twice.

- [All] 14.

- [Woman] Same line, look.

Same line.

- [Host] That ball- - Hamish, what's the matter?

is number 11.

- 11.

- Nothing.

- God, it's right next to 14.

- And a third one.

10 pounds.

We got 10 pounds tonight.

- [Host] Is number 20.

(indistinct) a fortnight ago, drawn for the- (people clamoring drowns out speaker) Number one, last time we've seen it was on June the 3rd - 40!

40!

- [Host] Now, this one could make your weekend.

(tense music) It's number 40!

And that's the number that could make someone very, very happy tonight.

(TV echoes in background) (whimsical music) - We won the lottery!

Yeah!

(cork pops) (woman shrieks) (celebratory choral music) (people laughing) (balloons popping) - Yes!

(laughs) Yes, yes!

(laughs) Yes, yes, yes!

- It could be you.

- Aye.

- I'm sorry.

It's, it's just too soon.

- I understand.

I should go now.

- No, no, don't do that.

Do you mind just keeping me company?

I'm sorry.

I know this sounds silly, but those men coming to the Listener, I'm a bit frightened.

(lively music) (people whooping) (gentle music) (door hinge squeaking) (ominous music) (keys jingling) - Uh, I don't think that's a very good idea, sir.

- Why not?

- Well, a couple of glasses of wine in the Lochdubh, a bottle to take away, I'd say you're miles over the limit.

I suggest you give me your car keys.

(Gary laughs) Well, I could just arrest you for being drunk in charge of a motor vehicle.

(keys jingling) - I'll just, uh, see if Isobel will put me up for the night.

- No, no, I think you should come back to the station with me, and I'll give you a cell for the night.

- So you're arresting me?

- Did I say I was gonna arrest you?

Now, why would I want to arrest you?

Come on.

(ominous music continues) (birds squawking) (Barney snoring) - Barney.

How do you feel?

- Oh, oh.

- We won the lottery!

(inhales) First thing tomorrow morning I hit the shops.

Paris!

New York!

Rome!

Milano!

(laughs) Knightsbridge!

(laughs) I'm so excited!

Oh!

(laughs) - (groans) Oh, God.

(Rory grunts) (door slams) - All I'm saying is I'd like one more shop.

You know, more frontage.

- [Esme] You've done nothing else in your life, Rory.

- Well, perhaps a gift shop.

You know I've always wanted to diversify into other businesses.

- [Esme] It was my money bought the tickets.

I want to go on a cruise.

I want to spend some time with you.

- We don't know how much we've won.

There might be enough for a cruise.

- [Esme] Oh, who would look after Rory Campbell?

TLC?

- Good point.

Very good point.

Perhaps we'll have to put the cruise on hold.

(Esme wails) - Do you think we could we build a little place on that island?

You know, do we need permission?

- I don't know, darling.

- I'm gonna check that out tomorrow.

Eh?

What do you think?

- Alex, look, sometimes I feel as though I need somewhere that I can... Well, sometimes I'm just pretty bad company, you know what I mean?

- What are you saying?

- I'm saying sometimes I feel that the walls are just pressing in on me here, you know?

- When you talked about escaping, did you mean from me?

- No.

Why should it mean for you?

I just meant escaping, that, that's it.

- Gary?

(birds chirping) - And I was wondering what the price for your cooking oil was.

- On a Sunday?

- So if, when you get this message, uh, you could let me know, please.

My name is Meldon and the number is 01955...

Sorry about that, Zoot.

It's the missus.

Now, look, about this Roman Theme Weekend, how much is it?

And for that, all the girls... That's what I'd heard.

And, and the Emperor's Suite, how much is that?

And for that you get, Emperor's privileges?

No, no, no, no, it's not too dear.

Look, you reserve the Emperor's Suite, and I'll confirm it tomorrow, okay?

- We've got four drums of cooking oil.

- I've just been informed that we actually are amply supplied with cooking oil, but if you wouldn't mind sending the price list anyway.

Thank you.

- "Casa Zoot's Roman Theme Weekend."

- I was going to invite you too.

(Barney groans in pain) Darling!

- Esmus!

Esmus!

- What?

- I need the lavatory.

- Tough.

- Of course it's not big, but when you've been used to the caravan... - No, no, it's a good size.

Would you mind if I had a look in the bathroom?

- Oh, not at all.

How much did you win, by the way?

- Well, we don't know that yet.

- Because I was thinking maybe we've underpriced the cottage by an edge.

- What do you mean?

- I've been advised to ask for a wee bit more.

- How much more?

- Hamish?

- Yeah?

- Who's in the cell?

- Uh, drunk driver, kind of.

- Just tell me one thing.

Is that the man who was with Isobel?

- Yes.

- Fine.

Come here.

- What?

- You lock someone up for seeing Isobel?

- No, I'm not arresting him.

I just gave him a bed for the night.

- Did you kick his headlights in as well?

(Hamish sighs) - [Isobel] Oh, dear.

- Butterfingers.

- I said I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

- Barney.

- John.

- Give us a pint, will you?

- Right.

- Had any thoughts about what you- - Oh, don't ask.

Rory.

- I've come to use the lavatory.

- Help yourself.

- It's Esme.

- Say no more.

(mysterious music) - [Isobel] Oh, Gary.

- Ladies and gentlemen of Lochdubh, I have some bad news.

Oh, no, no, that's not it.

Friends, friends.

Friends, that's better.

Friends of Lochdubh, erm, I have some disappointing news regarding our recent win on the national lottery.

Lachlan McCrae, you are a total plonker!

(Lachlan's voice echoes) - [Isobel] Hamish!

- Aye.

Listen, look, I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.

He's in the cell.

- Gary?

- Aye.

- Good.

- What?

Hiya, Lachlan.

- Hamish.

Eh, see, what it is, I've got myself into a, a wee bit of a corner, you know.

- You know, I trusted you.

God, I took you into my house.

- I'm really sorry, Isobel.

What can I say?

It's just the game.

- No, what's the game?

What?

You lie and you cheat your way into people's lives.

Just for a few photos.

- Embarrassing photos.

Our new car in a ditch.

The UK boss whacking the designer.

That would really help the launch.

Get real, Isobel- - Oh, come on.

Me get real?

- Listen, those photographs are worth a lot more to us than they could ever be to you.

You could be a lot richer today than you were yesterday.

- God, you know, the only thing that disappoints me, it's not a big enough story.

It's not big enough to blow you and your stinking company clean out of the water.

- No, but it's big enough to lose me my job.

- Oh, well, there's always the cake competitions to fall back on.

He's all yours, Hamish.

You can charge him with theft from my house and conspiracy to burgle the Listener.

Oh, and ask him if he knows anything about running Neil off the road.

What's the matter with him?

- You are looking at a dead man.

- Have you ever had that thought, he's sleeping and you've got a big pair of scissors, and you're so angry with him, you just (imitates cutting sound) cut it off?

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Well, (clicks tongue) we won.

- Yes.

- Hm.

- Come on, everybody.

This is supposed to be a celebration.

How about a little music to get the show on the road?

I take it that's a no, then.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for the man who organized this syndicate, my dad, Mr Lachlan- (Lachlan mutters) - Hey, folks.

Well, well.

Ladies, ladies and gentlemen of Lochdubh, friends of Lochdubh, and indeed myself and Lachie Jr here.

See, what it is, I've got a wee confession to make to you all.

Er, I was helping Neil get the, the bus out of the ditch the other day, and, er, I threw my coat on the ground, see, and, erm, our winning lottery ticket, it was in the pocket.

It definitely was in the pocket of the jacket.

Thank you, Hamish, I... - Listen.

(clears throat) I think what Lachlan's trying to say is that, erm, well, maybe we haven't won the lottery after all.

- What?

- [Hamish] But there's good news here, there's good news.

- What sort of good news?

The lottery was worth millions.

- Aye, well, Lachlan here has managed to persuade an anonymous benefactor to replace the community bus.

- Uh, and it's a brand-new bus.

- Holy smoke!

- A bus?

- A bus.

- A brand, brand, brand new bus.

- So when will I get the negatives?

- When we get the bus.

You owe us, Gary.

You did run it off the road.

- How do I know you won't publish?

- You don't.

- You're losing a few of those scruples now, aren't you, Isobel?

- No, I don't think so.

A new bus is worth more to the village than this story is to my career.

A simple equation.

(engine starts) - Sorry.

- Sorry.

- Friends?

- Friends.

(glasses clinking) - I'll wash, and you serve?

- We'll both serve.

I'll wash later.

(birds squawking) - Don't say it.

"I told you so."

- I told you so.

Look, it could have been Gandhi, and I wouldn't have liked him.

- You wouldn't have locked him up, though.

- I don't know.

- [Woman] Hamish?

(upbeat music)